Well, June pretty much sucked.

I was reading some Interpretive Stance today and saw my blog listed in her blogroll with an embarassing "5 weeks ago" under the title of my last post. Five weeks? Pardon?

Well, in my defense, I have had some "stuff" going on.

The biggest news from the Rock is that two weeks ago, K and I called off our wedding. Hands-down, the most difficult and agonizing decision either of us have ever had to make, making the year and a half of planning and anticipation a bit redundant, to put it mildly. The decision itself was made at the end of two of the worst days of my life so far but, and this might sound crazy, came with the biggest (internal) sigh of relief imaginable, so it was obviously the right decision, as hard as it was. Anyways, that's that. No wedding. No white (ivory, actually) dress. No party. No speeches. No walking down the aisle on my Dad's arm. Well, not in August, anyways. Right now, the important thing for us both is to concentrate on getting back into the great place we've been in since the beginning - to find whatever seems to have been lost over the past little while and put it back into its rightful place. We know we'll get there. But moving ahead with the wedding when we're going through a rough patch? Not ideal.

So...yeah. That's where we're at. The love and support sent our way in response to our sad news has been overwhelming. Both of us feel so lucky to have the family and friends that we have, even though our news has been inconvenient to many of them and we're all working out how to make this as easy as possible for everyone involved.

It's amazing, but calling off our wedding has made me feel brave. Both of us, actually. It would have been far, far easier just to suck it up and deal with it but in the end, we're both hoping to come out ahead, better as a couple, better as individuals...just better. The best, even. I don't think we're on the same page yet, at least not completely, but we're at least in the same chapter, when I'm not even sure that we were in the same book before.

Life on the Rock is hard. It seems like a paradise, and it is in a lot of ways, but it comes with some challenges that we didn't expect. Intense loneliness. A strong sense of isolation. A depressingly high level of racism and race-based issues that are ongoing and completely exhausting. Stress levels beyond anything we'd ever faced back home, related to all of these issues, our jobs, managing finances, managing the house we left behind...just everything. Not knowing when our next move will be, or where we'll end up. Spending all of our vacation time cramming in visits with family, because we miss them so much. A constant stream of incoming and outgoing friends, moving to the Rock for a new job or leaving because their permits are up or they've been made redundant. It is not as idyllic as the photos make it out to be. Are we lucky to have had this opportunity? Of course. Do we regret coming here? Not even a little bit. But we are not on vacation.

On the other hand, after a year and a half here now, things are slowly getting better. We have a number of friends now who plan to remain here for as long as possible, so our group is a bit less transient than before. We're planning to move in the fall into a bigger place (with a spare room for the houseguests that we are trying to lure our way...), which will probably help to make us feel a bit more stable here. We've both gotten through the learning curves of our jobs, which makes a big difference. And, most importantly, we're starting to take time for ourselves - we realized that we were spending so much time together that none of it was quality time anymore.

This is all good news. Considering that just over two weeks ago I was finishing the design of our invitations and planning what to do with my hair, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm not going to be a bride this year, but that's OK. It will happen one day. And when it does, it will be perfect.


Heatherness said...

Well said, KP :)

Shan Banane said...

Ditto, Heatherness.

You are brave, Kris. Maybe the bravest ever.

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